Faces

I make a crazy face.

I make a muddy face.

Then I chew your face.

Recruiting

I admit I'm not the biggest dog in the world. Normally my keen intellect and ferociousness make up for my small stature, but sometimes a little extra muscle would have its uses. So even though I generally don't play well with others I decided recruiting a lackey could prove beneficial.

He calls himself Airglow or Glasgow, or maybe it was Shadow ... I forget. Don't really care, either. What's important is he listens, he's decent sized and he'll work for kibble! I get to keep all the chicken for myself! Heck, I usually just bury my dry food anyway, giving it to him will save me time. Only downsides are that he smells a little, okay a lot, and has the brains of a mentally defective squirrel on a catnip bender. Obviously I've got more than enough gray matter for the both of us. As for the smell, well maybe he's dumb enough to like baths.

Best of all if I climb on his back it will put me in easy jumping range of people's faces. Watch out world, Cornrow and I are coming for you.

The Monkey

The Rainbow Monkey is dead. Significant? Not particularly. Still, let us take a moment to ponder his demise.

Now let's eat some chicken jerky, because I really don't give a crap about the stupid monkey.

A New Ally?

A strange new stuffed animal recently appeared. I, of course, added it to my things to kill list, but as it didn't seem particularly noteworthy, I put it in the low priority section. Today, however, it requested a private meeting.

I agreed to attend, initially because I thought it would provide an easy opportunity to chew it's face. To my great surprise it made an interesting proposal that has spared it's face for now. It calls itself J.J. the Rabbit. J.J. suggested that we could join forces to overthrow the stuffed animal leader, The Bear, and, as J.J. put it, "Bring about a rabbity reign of terror in the Stuffed Kingdom."

Although I find the thought of allying with any stuffed animal extremely distasteful, The Bear has proven to be a formidable opponent. If I could gain the aid of one it's own kind I might finally be able to defeat it. Without The Bear's protection the stuffed animals would be no match for me and I could finally eliminate their threat, freeing me to concentrate on more important matters. I will follow my own advice about trusting any of the stuffed contagion and remain cautious. Even if this turns out to to be a trick of some sort I know if I am vigilant I can minimize any threat and then make J.J. pay with it's face.

Small Humans

I tolerate certain humans, mostly because they've proven adept at finding me chicken. I try to chew the faces of other humans, because they look at me funny, or they smell bad, or they are morons, or because I feel like it. But there is one subtype of human that continues to vex me to no end: The Miniature Human. I might be able to endure the obnoxious noise, quick movements and sticky, grabby, hands if I was able to teach those hands a lesson. But unfortunately the larger humans are extremely protective of the smaller ones. Merely nip at one and it's like whoever overreacts the most gets a lifetime supply of free chicken. Worse, if you try to take one out when the big humans aren't looking their innate defense is highly effective. The horrific ear drum splitting shrieks make it almost impossible to concentrate, let alone mount an effective offensive. I have heard rumors of dangerous, evil, creatures known as "Cats", that have developed a method of dealing with the small humans. I must be cautious, but perhaps I can find a way to learn their dark secrets.

Training

Because of the growing threats I face I have decided to implement a training regimen to ensure that I maintain top fighting form. I hate to even suggest that humans might have the right idea about something, but I must admit these Ninjas of theirs do seem rather impressive. Thus my initial focus has been on speed and agility.

It seems rather obvious that I don't have much work to do in the quickness department, but I must concede that I have never excelled at one of the other important attribute's of a Ninja: Stealth. I've always been one to attack first and ask questions never, but lately I have been trying to enhance my surveillance skills, which in turn has bolstered my ability to be stealthy. A little more work and my enemies, and the world, will see a new and powerful force of nature unleashed: The Ninja Papillon.

The Dark Lord

A threat far greater than even the stuffed scourge has woken from it's slumber. The Dark Lord of the Closet has emerged once again to spread it's noisy terror to my lands. I fought bravely but was eventually forced to retreat.

I have noticed that it seems to feed on the insides of the stuffed animals that I have left scattered across the floor. Though it pains me greatly I may need to temporarily refrain from the destruction of the stuffed horde until I can defeat the Dark Lord. If it is gaining some sort of sustenance from the stuffing, perhaps depriving it of the food source will weaken it enough that my attacks will prove more effective. Even if this tactic is successful, there is a further complication to my battle plan: The stupid humans have taken to storing the dried chicken in the foul beast's closet. I need that chicken to keep my strength up, but I am unsure how I will get to it with the Dark Lord standing guard. I have much to contemplate.

Special Delivery

The noisy brown truck was here. In the past the boxes it left behind have contained reinforcements for the stuffed animals, grooming products and other unspeakable horrors, so I decided to take no chances.

Although the contents of this box turned out to be harmless, I must remain vigilant. 

The Bear

My struggle against the stuffed plague continues. I have come to believe that they are lead by a giant known as "The Bear." Striking at the individual members of their collective has proved surprisingly ineffective at keeping them in line, so I decided to assault their leader directly. My hope was that seeing The Bear humiliated and unstuffed would dissuade them from continuing their guerrilla war. Unfortunately, it has proved resistant to my attacks, even when I attempted to strike at it's supposedly weak underbelly.

I have been unable to tear out even the smallest bit of stuffing. I fear that the The Bear may have some sort of secret armor. I will continue probing for it's Achilles heal. In the meantime I must remain watchful in case the other stuffed animals view the initial failure of my attack as weakness. I will not hesitate to make an example of any who would challenge me directly.

Bad Day

It all started this morning when I went outside to potty. (I still don't understand why the humans get to potty in the house and I don't. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. They seem to forget I know where they sleep. One day I will take revenge for their stupid rules.) Anyway, it was cold and had rained, my paws got wet and the stupid eaves dripped on my head. There was a dumb bird twittering on the fence and when I jumped up to kill it I slipped and fell in a puddle. I came back inside, wet and miserable, wanting to squeak my ball for a minute, when one of the stupid humans tried to take it.

After recovering the ball I went to the window to check on things and discovered that the neighborhood had been invaded by some sort of hideous dog/horse mutant hybrid.

Normally I would have sprung into action and gone to battle the evil trespassers, but considering how my day was going I decided growling under my breath was the safer course of action. I need some chicken ....

NEVER Trust a Stuffed Animal

I should have known better. It was too good to be true. But the pink one had always seemed relatively honest and more respectful of my authority than the others. So when it told me it had seen the humans burying chicken in the backyard I set out to find it.

Two hours, numerous holes and enough dirt under my nails to grow a garden, I realized I had been tricked. The guilty have been punished:

If, however, this results in a bath, I will not stay my hand. Not just the pink one's friends, no, all of stuffed kind will feel my wrath.

Knock Knock

SOMEONE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR. THIS IS NOT ALLOWED.

I can't show you what happened next because my stupid human says it's "Too violent" and "Might get me banned from Youtube" and "Could be used in a lawsuit." Sissy.

Anger Management

Some morons sent me anger management tips. My thoughts:

THEY ARE NEXT.

On Guard

There have been scattered reports of random humans, and even other dogs, walking on the sidewalk outside my house. THIS VIOLATION WILL NOT STAND. I am currently conducting surveillance to ascertain exactly who these ne'er do wells are. After I have gathered enough information, I will need to acquire a large quantity of chicken to ensure my strength is up. Then my vengeance will be swift and merciless.

The Stuffed Menace

I have come to believe that my stuffed toys are plotting against me. Missing chicken, disappearing balls, strange noises that send me into a rage at night. Normally the noises wouldn't be an issue, but even I need my beauty rest. Although I have been unable to catch them red-handed, I decided to make an example of one of them by tearing out it's stuffing. You would think seeing their friend's insides strewn across the room would give them pause for thought, but still chicken goes missing. I may need to take more extreme measures.