The Door

To get to the backyard at my house I go through what the humans call "doggie doors" or what I call "properly designed doors." The backyard has a fence around it, so except for the occasional bird flying in nothing much interesting happens. The front yard, having no fence, is a veritable hive of continuous activity, filled with numerous things to chase, bark at and otherwise harass. It, however, is protected by a "stupidly designed door" that I am unable to operate. Wildly barking at stuff through the window can be entertaining, and I spend much of my day doing just that, but it's just not the same as being out there laying the smack down in person.

Since the humans have shown no inclination to fix the "stupid door", or let me out it without my leash on for that matter, I have taken to carefully studying it's operation. I believe I understand how it functions and have no trouble reaching the part that makes it open:

Thus far I have had no success in manipulating it correctly with my mouth or paws. I will continue trying of course, but the humans seem to fear me gaining the ability to operate the door and usually try to stop me after a couple of attempts. Perhaps I can practice more at night...

Food

I don't like kibble. Yeah it's nutritionally sound and honestly packs a lot of energy into a small package. I imagine if I ever get around to raising a dog army to overthrow the stupid human oppressors I will fuel it with kibble. But it's so boring and tastes so meh...

This is me when I only ate kibble:

Sure the vet claimed I was healthy, but I certainly wasn't the beautiful and perfect animal you see today. What changed? I found that sweet, sweet, nectar of life: Chicken. I love it in all it's forms, jerky, boiled, barbequed, fried and I'd probably like it raw if the humans weren't such pansies about it. I just finished a piece and it was really good. It's left me feeling surprisingly charitable and I'd like to do a little something for all the other dogs, so here's a little message for all of you canine oppressors out there:

MORON HUMANS, HEAR ME, YOUR DOGS WANT CHICKEN! GIVE IT TO THEM OR ANSWER TO ME...

In the Beginning

People ask why I'm so angry. Normally I bite them for talking to me. But sometimes my jaw gets tired, so I've decided to try and answer. There's probably more than one reason, but I always remember the first time I got really angry.

When I was a puppy I lived with my Mom, brother, sister and a bunch of other stupids dogs. We all had to share toys and they all smelled like other dogs and were dirty and covered in drool. I hated that. Then one day my humans came and took me to my new house. I missed my Mom, but I got my own toys and my own bed and best of all my own ball.

It was a good ball, it had that great new ball smell and wasn't covered in someone else's drool. The squeaker worked and it was loud. I loved my ball.

Eventually my stupid brother came to visit and he tried to take my ball. I beat the crap out of him.

The humans told us not to fight and took my ball. They said I could have it back later, but it was MY ball and he started it. It wasn't fair and I was MAD. I barked and growled and raced around. The funny things was, I liked being angry. I liked the way it made me feel.

That's why I started being angry I think. But the fact everyone who's not me is a moron keeps it going. Oh does it ever...

Everything is Stupid

This was in my front yard this morning:

It looks delicious. Or at the very least fun to chase. But will my stupid humans open the door so I can go after it? No, of course not. Because humans are stupid. Now I have doors that I can operate to get into the backyard. But does anything tasty ever find it's way into the backyard? No, of course not. Why? BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS STUPID!

Why?

Why is it that you can have twenty chew things, toys and balls strewn across the room, but the one you REALLY want is stuck underneath the stupid, uncooperative, senseless, heavy, annoying, spiteful, imbecilic, moronic and impossible to move piece of furniture?