Barbarians at the Gate

Last night I heard noises in the front yard and went to investigate. One of the dreaded deer was there, brazenly eating the grass. IN MY YARD! I needed to alert the humans, if they saw this maybe they would finally understand the gravity of the deer situation. Unfortunately the humans have the bad habit of either ignoring me or, for some strange reason, yelling at me when I bark in the middle of night. I knew I had to be extra loud and frantic to get their attention. It took a minute and left me rather hoarse but finally one came to investigate. He opened the curtain, took a look around, and then did the most inexplicable thing I could imagine: He patted me on the head and said, "It's just a deer. Go back to sleep."

Just a deer!?! There are giant creatures with sharpened spikes strapped to their heads invading our neighborhood and I'm not supposed to be concerned? I know humans are a little slow, but really? They don't see the problem!?! Since it appears I'm the only one who can see what's going on I must be prepared for the neighborhood to fall into the clutches of the evil deer. My first choice is to fight, but the time may come I when need to flee and regroup. In preparation I have begun construction of an escape tunnel under the backyard fence. I hope I don't need it, but I fear I will.

The Threat Grows

The deer situation continues to grow increasingly troublesome. Although they haven't undertaken any overtly hostile actions, they seem to be stepping up their surveillance efforts. The local fields have dried up as the summer has progressed and the deer are using the brown grass for cover to conduct their spy missions.

Such primitive techniques are of course not enough to fool someone with my acute sense of smell, unfortunately the deception may work on the other, simpler, inhabitants of my neighborhood. While I have been unable to fully ascertain their intentions, it seems obvious that they are trying to covertly gather information. As they continue to move deeper and more boldly into the neighborhood, I can only assume their intentions are sinister. Worse yet, I fear they may have an ally.

I have never given much thought to the local rabbit population, except as a possible snack food. Recently, however, I have noticed a substantial increase in their numbers. Like the deer, they seem to be trying to quietly monitor things, barely moving as I pass, foolishly hoping I won't notice them.

I have repeatedly tried to convince the humans to let me capture and interrogate them, but the stubborn fools, blissfully unaware of the potential danger, always drag me away. I do not know for certain that they are connected to the deer, but it seems odd that the increase in their numbers and movement has coincided so closely with the deer influx. I desperately need more information. I MUST find a way to get it.

Crazy Joe

A couple houses down from me lives a dog named Prince or Pasha, or something, I forget. Doesn't matter because I call him Crazy Joe. You see he's crazy, I mean like really bonkers, and Crazy Prince just sounds stupid. I've never actually seen him, he doesn't ever seem to come out from behind his fence, but I found a drawing of what I think he looks like.

Generally I ignore him, but since he's within easy barking distance I decided to see if he knew anything about the possible Deer Invasion. I didn't imagine he would be the most reliable source of information but I needed to see if I could get anything useful from him. Unfortunately it went even worse than I expected. This was our conversation:

"Hey Joe, you there?
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU MY NAME IS PRINCE?!?!"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry." See how crazy he is? "So, Joe, have you noticed all these deer things hanging around? I'm a li..."
"MY NAME IS PRINCE. P R I N C E. Prince. If you can't call me by my right name I'm not talking to you."
"Jeez, Joe, no nee.."
"If I ever get out I'm going to hurt you."

And then he wouldn't talk anymore. Crazy and unreasonable. This is what I have to work with.

The Deer

I have finally learned the name of the strange creatures invading my neighborhood as I heard the humans refer to them as "Deer." This name does not seem to convey an appropriate level of dread and danger for such a frightening creature. I believe an innocuous name might be part of their plan to lull the less intelligent members of the community into a false sense of security.

Their activity grows increasingly troublesome. Rarely do I go for a walk without seeing at least one of them and they seem to be venturing increasingly farther from what I assume is their base of operations in the nearby forest. Alarmingly my continued attempts to gather intelligence on their true motivations have failed miserably. I fear that they have noticed my efforts and have begun monitoring my movements as I got the distinct impression they were watching me on this morning's walk.

I am not on particularly good terms with the other dogs in the neighborhood, partly because they are idiots and partly because they refuse to elect me as Supreme Chancellor. Regardless, I may need to reach out to them for I feel the situation is growing increasingly dire and I must take some sort of action before it is too late.