They See Me Rollin' They Hatin'

The Squirrel

I have been trying to capture a squirrel to interrogate about the strange new creatures in my neighborhood. I quickly discovered that while squirrels are very loud and stupid, they compensate for this by being quick and excellent climbers. My initial attempts were unsuccessful. Squirrels seem to be constantly chattering, so are easy to locate, but I had difficulty finding one far enough away from a tree that I could catch it before it climbed to safety.

However on my last walk I saw further evidence that the strange creatures are growing in numbers, I counted no less than five! This being the the case I redoubled my efforts to capture a squirrel. At first I continued to be thwarted by their speed, but finally my luck changed and the squirrels stupidity came into play. Instead of disappearing up a tree, it climbed a stump and I was able to cut off it's escape.

While I couldn't quite reach it, there was nowhere for it to go. I waited for a bit while it fidgeted and angrily chattered at me. When it eventually calmed down and simply sat there staring  I prepared to make my offer of safe passage in exchange for information. It was at this point I realized the fatal flaw in my plan: I DON'T SPEAK SQUIRREL. And of course squirrels are far too mentally challenged to even begin to comprehend dog. Sometimes you don't see the forest for the trees... And my intelligence gathering operation is back to the drawing board.

Invasion?

Disturbing encounter on my walk this morning. I have seen these creatures before, but only from a distance. I thought they might be some sort of horribly ugly dog, but after getting a closer look and a smell, I realize they are most definitely not dogs.

They are considerably larger than I estimated from my previous viewings, and even more troubling, they didn't seem particularly afraid of me. Most of the forest creatures show proper respect and give me a wide berth, but not these strange animals. Although they weren't aggressive this time, I fear their continued presence in my neighborhood may be a precursor to some sort of attack or invasion. Their impressive size, crazed look and head weapons gives even me pause for thought.

I need more information. The local squirrels seem to travel significant distances and have good vantage points from the trees. I believe they may be a good source of information. I shall attempt to capture and interrogate one.

The Human Walk

I have often heard the humans mention a place called "The Store." I have noticed that more often than not when humans say they are going to go to "The Store" when they come back they have chicken. I have also noticed that I am never taken along. Since "The Store" is apparently some sort of giant chicken repository, this is a serious issue.

Humans, being discriminatory morons, often have stupid no dogs allowed rules. The sheer idiocy of such regulations boggles my mind, however this might be why I'm not allowed to go to "The Store." After some contemplation it occurred to me that if I am able to imitate a small human, perhaps I will be allowed to go. The upside to the humans stupidity is that they should be relatively easy to fool. Because they are about as perceptive as rocks I believe that if I can imitate their silly and awkward way of walking that will be enough to disguise myself.

Standing on two feet isn't especially difficult, but I am having difficulty with the walking. It's somewhat miraculous that something as dense as a human is able to move around like this. I am sure given time I will be able to master it.