Birds are dumb, frustrating to talk to, and distractingly tasty. They are, however, gifted with the ability to speak many languages and, of course, fly. This at least gives them the potential to be a useful source of information. When I happened to run across a local pigeon I resisted the urge to eat him and instead tried to see if I could learn anything about the Dear Menace.
"Hey, pigeon!"
"Hey, dog! You gonna chase me?"
"Depends. You know anything about deer?"
"What's to know? You got any bread crumbs? I loves me some bread crumbs. OH! YEAH!"
"Uhh, no, sorry. There seems to be a lot of deer around lately, and they have those spiky things pasted to their heads, make me nervous."
"I REALLY WANT SOME BREAD CRUMBS! I'm jonesing bad, man. Deer don't fly, so I'm not worried. But you don't have to either. Do you know where I might find some bread crumbs?"
"No. If you help me out I might be able to get you a little kibble. But I need to know why I don't have to worry about deer."
"Pshh, dog food tastes like dog food! Booya! Yeah, BOY!"
"Umm, okay."
"Ya know, dog, I like you. You're pretty cool for a dog. Not barking an' trying to eat me and stuff. That's pretty chill, for a dog. You don't gotta worry about the the deer because when the weather gets cool the humans bust out their thunder sticks and BANG! BANG! DEER STEW, BOY! Boom shakalaka! Happens every year. And the deer that escape go hide in the deep forest. You sure about the bread crumbs?"
"Uhh, yeah, Thanks, I think."
"LISTEN! You see any breadcrumbs, you remember I hooked you up with the legit info. Later, D O G!"
Obviously he's crazy and I can't trust him, but it gives me some hope. I will remain vigilant.
