The Threat Grows

The deer situation continues to grow increasingly troublesome. Although they haven't undertaken any overtly hostile actions, they seem to be stepping up their surveillance efforts. The local fields have dried up as the summer has progressed and the deer are using the brown grass for cover to conduct their spy missions.

Such primitive techniques are of course not enough to fool someone with my acute sense of smell, unfortunately the deception may work on the other, simpler, inhabitants of my neighborhood. While I have been unable to fully ascertain their intentions, it seems obvious that they are trying to covertly gather information. As they continue to move deeper and more boldly into the neighborhood, I can only assume their intentions are sinister. Worse yet, I fear they may have an ally.

I have never given much thought to the local rabbit population, except as a possible snack food. Recently, however, I have noticed a substantial increase in their numbers. Like the deer, they seem to be trying to quietly monitor things, barely moving as I pass, foolishly hoping I won't notice them.

I have repeatedly tried to convince the humans to let me capture and interrogate them, but the stubborn fools, blissfully unaware of the potential danger, always drag me away. I do not know for certain that they are connected to the deer, but it seems odd that the increase in their numbers and movement has coincided so closely with the deer influx. I desperately need more information. I MUST find a way to get it.

Crazy Joe

A couple houses down from me lives a dog named Prince or Pasha, or something, I forget. Doesn't matter because I call him Crazy Joe. You see he's crazy, I mean like really bonkers, and Crazy Prince just sounds stupid. I've never actually seen him, he doesn't ever seem to come out from behind his fence, but I found a drawing of what I think he looks like.

Generally I ignore him, but since he's within easy barking distance I decided to see if he knew anything about the possible Deer Invasion. I didn't imagine he would be the most reliable source of information but I needed to see if I could get anything useful from him. Unfortunately it went even worse than I expected. This was our conversation:

"Hey Joe, you there?
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU MY NAME IS PRINCE?!?!"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry." See how crazy he is? "So, Joe, have you noticed all these deer things hanging around? I'm a li..."
"MY NAME IS PRINCE. P R I N C E. Prince. If you can't call me by my right name I'm not talking to you."
"Jeez, Joe, no nee.."
"If I ever get out I'm going to hurt you."

And then he wouldn't talk anymore. Crazy and unreasonable. This is what I have to work with.

The Deer

I have finally learned the name of the strange creatures invading my neighborhood as I heard the humans refer to them as "Deer." This name does not seem to convey an appropriate level of dread and danger for such a frightening creature. I believe an innocuous name might be part of their plan to lull the less intelligent members of the community into a false sense of security.

Their activity grows increasingly troublesome. Rarely do I go for a walk without seeing at least one of them and they seem to be venturing increasingly farther from what I assume is their base of operations in the nearby forest. Alarmingly my continued attempts to gather intelligence on their true motivations have failed miserably. I fear that they have noticed my efforts and have begun monitoring my movements as I got the distinct impression they were watching me on this morning's walk.

I am not on particularly good terms with the other dogs in the neighborhood, partly because they are idiots and partly because they refuse to elect me as Supreme Chancellor. Regardless, I may need to reach out to them for I feel the situation is growing increasingly dire and I must take some sort of action before it is too late.

They See Me Rollin' They Hatin'

The Squirrel

I have been trying to capture a squirrel to interrogate about the strange new creatures in my neighborhood. I quickly discovered that while squirrels are very loud and stupid, they compensate for this by being quick and excellent climbers. My initial attempts were unsuccessful. Squirrels seem to be constantly chattering, so are easy to locate, but I had difficulty finding one far enough away from a tree that I could catch it before it climbed to safety.

However on my last walk I saw further evidence that the strange creatures are growing in numbers, I counted no less than five! This being the the case I redoubled my efforts to capture a squirrel. At first I continued to be thwarted by their speed, but finally my luck changed and the squirrels stupidity came into play. Instead of disappearing up a tree, it climbed a stump and I was able to cut off it's escape.

While I couldn't quite reach it, there was nowhere for it to go. I waited for a bit while it fidgeted and angrily chattered at me. When it eventually calmed down and simply sat there staring  I prepared to make my offer of safe passage in exchange for information. It was at this point I realized the fatal flaw in my plan: I DON'T SPEAK SQUIRREL. And of course squirrels are far too mentally challenged to even begin to comprehend dog. Sometimes you don't see the forest for the trees... And my intelligence gathering operation is back to the drawing board.

Invasion?

Disturbing encounter on my walk this morning. I have seen these creatures before, but only from a distance. I thought they might be some sort of horribly ugly dog, but after getting a closer look and a smell, I realize they are most definitely not dogs.

They are considerably larger than I estimated from my previous viewings, and even more troubling, they didn't seem particularly afraid of me. Most of the forest creatures show proper respect and give me a wide berth, but not these strange animals. Although they weren't aggressive this time, I fear their continued presence in my neighborhood may be a precursor to some sort of attack or invasion. Their impressive size, crazed look and head weapons gives even me pause for thought.

I need more information. The local squirrels seem to travel significant distances and have good vantage points from the trees. I believe they may be a good source of information. I shall attempt to capture and interrogate one.

The Human Walk

I have often heard the humans mention a place called "The Store." I have noticed that more often than not when humans say they are going to go to "The Store" when they come back they have chicken. I have also noticed that I am never taken along. Since "The Store" is apparently some sort of giant chicken repository, this is a serious issue.

Humans, being discriminatory morons, often have stupid no dogs allowed rules. The sheer idiocy of such regulations boggles my mind, however this might be why I'm not allowed to go to "The Store." After some contemplation it occurred to me that if I am able to imitate a small human, perhaps I will be allowed to go. The upside to the humans stupidity is that they should be relatively easy to fool. Because they are about as perceptive as rocks I believe that if I can imitate their silly and awkward way of walking that will be enough to disguise myself.

Standing on two feet isn't especially difficult, but I am having difficulty with the walking. It's somewhat miraculous that something as dense as a human is able to move around like this. I am sure given time I will be able to master it.